Not Final Fantasy IX: A Parody II
by fffan231
Summary: This is the sequal to my first FFIX parody. It takes place in Lindblum, when Zidane went to see Dagger. I hope it makes you laugh.


Hello.

Well, here's the sequal to my first Final Fantasy IX Parody. Thanks for taking the time to check it out, and I hope it makes you laugh.

And just as a smal note, I know I killed Dagger in the first one, but this is a parody, so she's in this one.

Anyway, thanks for your interest, and enjoy.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Zidane walked through the hall that led to the elevator in Lindblum Castle. He wanted to see Dagger because she was hot, and he wanted to talk to her.

But when he got to the elevator, the guard wouldn't let him through.

"No one is allowed past this point," the guard said, holding his javelin officially. His face was in a constant frown, like he was always serious and he would follow orders no matter what.

Zidane looked at the guy like he had just been speaking a different language. He wasn't exactly the brightest person. "… Uh… what did you say?"

"I said that no one is allowed past this point," the guard said, his face still solemn. Zidane blinked stupidly. "Huh?"

The guard blinked. "You're not allowed past here."

Total blank with Zidane.

The guard kept his somber gaze, but used a tone like he was talking to a mentally challenged two year old. "You not go past me."

Zidane smacked his forehead. "Oh! I get it!"

And now that he understood, he was disappointed. How was he supposed to see Dagger now?

Then he got an idea. (MAJOR shock) He pulled something out of his pocket and held it up in front of the guard.

"If you let me through, I'll give you this cookie," he said.

All authority left the guard's face. He threw his javelin to the side like a toy and jumped up, clasping his hands together and squealing, "COOKIE!!!" He snatched the cookie and shoved it into his mouth, chomping it loudly and slurping over his drool. Zidane took the moment to run to the elevator.

When he got to it, he congratulated himself for the clever way of getting past the guy. Then, he looked at the controls to see how to get it to go up. There were some strange markings on different colored buttons.

He looked at the red one, and tried to read the strange markings.

"S…Stoooo… Stooooop… S… Stop…" Oh. Stop. Well, that wasn't the right one. He looked at the green one.

"Jo… Joooo. Jojoooo. G… Go…" Oh. There it was! The pretty green button! He slammed it with an excited fist, and the elevator jumped upward. It was so sudden that it scared Zidane and he squealed, "MOMMYYYYYYY!!!!! He hugged the railing and wailed like a baby as it ascended.

After a few seconds, it came to a stop, and a little 'ding' sound was heard as the door opened. Zidane opened his eyes and looked around. It stopped moving. He released the railing and walked out, no sign of his babyish outburst visible on his face.

On his way down the hall, he saw that the path spilt into two. One went ahead, and one went to the left. He wasn't sure which one to take, so he walked a little bit forward.

But another guard like the first one stepped in the way, tapping his javelin on the floor and saying officially, "No one is allowed past this point."

Zidane stooped and blinked at the guard. Nobody was allowed anywhere, were they?

But then, the guard looked at Zidane with his eyebrows furrowed suspiciously. "How did you get up here?" he asked.

"Uh…" Zidane stammered. He wasn't sure, but eh figured it would be a _bad _thing to tell the guard that he snuck up here. So he had to find a way to get the guard to act like he didn't see him.

"Uh…" he said. A little (keyword being _little_) light bulb popped into his head and he reached into his pocket.

"If you pretend you never saw me…" he said, holding his hand in front of the guard's face, "I'll give you these animal crackers."

And, just like the first guard, this one threw his javelin and squealed, "ANIMAL CRACKERS!!!" He grabbed them and shoved them down his throat, making disgusting crunching noises. Zidane shrugged, then turned to the left. He didn't know why. He just did. Not very much brain power giving him a sense of direction.

As he walked into the next room, he saw a man standing by a machine, and a staircase lying just behind him, spiraling upwards. He walked over to the man and said, "Hey, did the princess go by here?"

The man snorted. "Yeah," he said, not looking at Zidane. "She slapped me in the face and made me carry her up there. Said her beautifully pedicured feet weren't fit to carry her delicate body up all those stairs."

Cool. At least now Zidane knew she was up there. He gave the guy a cookie and walked up the stairs.

When he got up the stairs, he walked through a door that led him to a large balcony outside. There was another flight of stairs to his right, so he followed it. As he did, he heard some singing. Once he was a little farther, he saw Dagger standing by the edge of a railing with white birds flying around her as she sang. Her voice was sing-song and arrogant.

"I'm, too sexy for my hair… too sexy for my hair, you better not touch it…"

Zidane blinked in confusion, and continued listening.

"I'm, too sexy for my face… too sexy for my face, it's better than YOUR FACE!"

"I'm, too sexy for my butt… too sexy for my butt, are you jealous of the shape?"

"I'm too sexy for my jumpsuit… too sexy for my jumpsuit, it insults my beauty…"

But she was interrupted as the birds started flying around her quickly. They circled for a moment, then they all flew just above her, and covered her in little surprises. They tweeted and flew off.

Zidane walked over to her and said, "Yeah!" He pointed at her crap covered form. "THAT'S Sexy!"

He laughed as Dagger stood there with her eyebrows furrowed angrily, then blew some of her now white and oily bangs out of her face.

As Zidane continued to snicker, she folded her arms and said, "You're just jealous because no one like you has a chance to compete with my beautiful complexion!"

Zidane stopped laughing and held his head in his hands, saying with a strangled tone, "The big words! They hurt my brain!!!" Dagger 'humphed' at him and looked away, her nose in the air with the look of a prissy snob.

Zidane finally got over the big words, and looked up. He saw a telescope up another flight of short stairs and said, "Oooooooooo! Let's go look in the telescope!" He ran over to it, and Dagger followed, wishing that she wasn't covered in crap that covered her irresistibly beautiful and royal features.

When Zidane got to the telescope, he looked through it. The land around Lindblum was displayed before him, vast fields stretching to the mountains and patches of forest dotting the land. Over by the mountains, he could see some airships gathered around, and an occasional person falling to the land below with loud screams. He turned it a little to the left, and saw a chocobo happily dining on a moogle.

As he turned it to the right, he was surprised to see something flying his way. As it got closer, he was able to make out what it was.

Steiner was flying right past them, his armor completely gone, exposing all of his flabby skin. He had a red cape flowing behind his frightening form, and he wore nothing else except a bright red speedo.

As he passed them, he shouted happily, "I'm flying in my super-red underwear!!!"

Zidane watched as he flew off, then blinked. THAT was weird.

"Was that Steiner?" Dagger asked behind him. He turned to look at her. She stomped her foot with great offense and said, "THAT was soooo uncalled for!!!" She paused, then said, "He's only supposed to wear that when he scrubs my feet!!!"

Zidane blinked. That was frightening.

Dagger folded her arms and huffed. "Then again, he looks so ugly in that outfit…"

Zidane smiled stupidly, pointed straight at her and crowed, "Not as ugly as your MOM!!! OOOOO! BURN!!!!!" He held his stomach in hysterical laughter. Dagger's lips pursed in rage, and her face became so hot that the crap roasted and began to flake off of her face.

Zidane ignored it when he finally stopped laughing. He didn't notice the death glare that she was giving him as he said, "Hey, do you want me to wear that and scrub your feet?"

Dagger looked at him and her jaw dropped in revulsion. "EEEEWWWWW!!!!!" She paused and looked at him for a minute, then her disgust disappeared completely, and she asked, "Can you fly?"

"Yeah!" Zidane crowed stupidly. He ran to the edge of the balcony, then threw himself off the ledge.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeee…ee..e..e..e..e..e..eeee………."

…..

SPLAT

Dagger looked down and blinked. He just killed himself? Didn't he say he could fly?

She shrugged, then threw back her crap covered hair in slow motion, as if it was shining an irresistible light. "ALL men would do that for the chance to touch any part of my beautiful complexion."

- - - - - - - - - -

Ok, I think that was pretty messed up, but I wanted to make another one, and I hoped it would be funny. Let me know if it was.

And just so you know, I hate those phrases 'Your FACE!' and 'BURN!" but when they're used in parodies, it's funny.


End file.
